Sermon given by Tom Ellis, July 30, 2023.
Many of us in the UU community tend to ask big questions in our religious explorations and practices. To add, the UU tradition is characterized by a commitment to curiosity, open-mindedness, and a search for truth and meaning.
To add, UUs often engage in profound and thought-provoking discussions about life's big questions, philosophical inquiries, and ethical considerations.
Asking big questions is one of the biggest attraction for me wanting to be a part of this community and tradition…and the food too. As most of you know, I love to ask the big questions about all areas of my life.
So I would ask questions like:
How do we find meaning and purpose in our lives?
How can we promote justice, equity, and compassion in the world?
What happens after we die, and what are the various beliefs about the afterlife?
How can we create a more inclusive and accepting community that honors the worth and dignity of all individuals?
And so on……
So…. there was one area in my life that I have intentionally avoided asking any of the big questions. It was the topic of death and dying. Like most, I made every effort to avoid talking about it and any of the associated words such as dying, grieving, sorrow, mourning, loss and the likes.
You see, I was avoiding those big questions because I was too scared. I was afraid if I start to talk about death that maybe I might make it happen fast or if I chose to ignore it, maybe I can buy me some time. I was doing everything possible to stay off death’s radar.
Well, I quickly learned that both talking about death or even avoiding it does not move me up or down on “the list” or keep me off Death’s radar. So I started to slowly welcome the topic of death and grief into my consciousness.
It was back in 2014, at the age of 50, where I decided to increase my tolerance and face the topic of death and my own mortality. And so, as a result of being comfortable with this challenging topic, I decided to put both feet in and become a hospice volunteer. This training has dramatically shifted my attitude about death and grief.
So, when folks hear of my role as a Hospice Volunteer, their responses varied, “Oh I could never do that”, “Wow, it takes a special person to do what you do” or “I could never deal with the whole death and dying stuff”. While I was appreciative of the compliments and comments, I realized that at one point in my life, I said the very same things.
Each time that I hear folks say something along the lines of “I could never be around or deal with death or grief” I wanted to say “Why not” or if you love others then eventually, you will. I remember that each person deals with death and grief in their unique was, just as I do. I totally get it, death and grief make people feel uneasy.
Since becoming a Hospice volunteer, I completed another training with UVM as a Death & Grief Companion. These powerful trainings not only supported my need to be in right relations with grief, they also offered me access to an abundant of helpful information on this subject matter. In fact, as one who loves books, I discovered some amazing ones, such as “The Wild Edge of Sorrow” by Francis Weller.
This book talks of the many ways that grief shows up, such as the loss of those we love, or grieving over the parts of us that never knew love, as well as the grief we experience with climate destructions happening around us. Simply put, Grief is everywhere and is here to stay.
As a result of reading this book, I decided that it would be one of my “manual for being in right relations with grief”. So today, it is my intention to share some thoughts, insights and experiences with you about things to keep in mind while maintaining right relations with grief.
Now some of you may ask, “What does being in right relationship with grief mean?
Simply put, it means that I am willing to be open, accepting and vulnerable to working through the emotions and experiences that comes with loss.
It also means that I decided that I will not suppress, ignore or even deny what death and grief has to teach me about cherishing life that remains around me.
So now I would like to mention examples of what being in right relations with grief looks like here in our community.
One of the first things to consider as you build or maintain your relations with grief, it is important that you honor and allow your emotions to be present. It means, given yourself permission to feel the full range of emotions that comes with loss. This includes sadness, anger, guilt, rage, confusion, wailing and more.
This morning, during the first reading, Sarina spoke the words of Irish poet and philosopher John O’Donohue, who suggested that “When we approach grief with reverence, great things decide to approach us”.
To me, I took this to mean be open, and understanding and patient with ourselves as we navigate through the complex emotions and challenges of grief. Sometimes I refer to Grief as the mother of all emotions. Meaning when we grieve, we feel all of the emotions at one point. Like I said, it is important to honor your emotions and that of others who are grieving.
Another example for us to be in right relations with grief is to honor our need for connections with others in a community. I believe we have an amazing loving community here. Being in community and connecting with others is an important part of doing our own grief work, while at the same time, holding space for others to do the same.
I have found within the confinements of our UU ways, It is through the use of connecting in community, participating in rituals, ceremonies, spiritual explorations and conversations that support one being in right relations with grief.
The gifts of being in community was on full display at the recent celebration of life for our beloved Sally Lieberman. We came together to greet and support one another, as we grieve in our unique ways surrounded by so much love.
Sally would have been over the moon in utter joy at the beautiful display of the collective love we shared that day. That celebration of life was a beautiful example of us being in right relations with grief together.
Another way to be in right relations with grief is to explore ways to find meaning and purpose in our loss. This may involve the honoring the memory of the deceased through acts of kindness, contributing to causes that were meaningful to those we loss, or seeking ways to bring positive change in the world.
Grief can be an opportunity for self-discovery and spiritual growth, as was the case for myself. For me, and as noted at the top of our order of service, “Grief work, is soul work”. It challenges us to come to terms with our emotions, fears, and beliefs, leading to inner transformation and a deeper understanding of ourselves.
Additionally, my relations with grief helped me to have a greater appreciation for my life. I take nothing for granted. I have such deep gratitude for the many relationships in my life. I am reminded daily to cherish the people I love and to tell them every chance I get that I love them.
So with each of you here, in case you need a reminder, “I love you”. Never miss a chance to tell others you care and love them.
Being in right relations offers an invitation to embrace our vulnerability. I don’t do vulnerability well but willing to try. Doing so, allows for authentic connections with others and a greater willingness to connect and share feelings openly.
Also, death and grief has taught me to adopt a healthy perspective on priorities. Being willing to confront death can force us to reevaluate our priorities and to focus on what matters most in the moment.
I am reminded that death and grief teaches us about the essence of life—its impermanence, its beauty, and its capacity for growth and renewal. They remind us to live with greater awareness, authenticity, and love, making the most of our time on this planet.
By integrating the lessons of death and grief into our lives, we can strive to live more fully and meaningfully, honoring the precious gift of life and the connections we share.
So, I would like to leave you with some questions to ponder as you cross the threshold of these doors into the wider world:
What did you discover today that would be helpful to being in right relations with grief?”
What steps can you take to embrace the ebb and flow of grief, understanding that it's a natural and non-linear process?
In what ways can you channel your grief into positive actions or creative outlets that allow you to honor and express your emotions?
Where in this community can you be in right relations with grief for yourself and others?
Remember, grief is a deeply personal experience, and there's no right or wrong way to grieve. Be patient and gentle with yourself as you navigate through the grieving process, and seek support when needed.
Be well
Be loved
and may you be in right relations with grief in the many days ahead.